What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I will pee on everything he values.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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