I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well I just put wine in my tea
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize