kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
