My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
