I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
