do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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