Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize