This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
