I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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