hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
