We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
