He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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