Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize