the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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