Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
