Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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