Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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