I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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