it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
