She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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