I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
