Don't make out with my wife yet
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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