i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize