you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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