He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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