so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This baby is an asshole
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
and you fell through a lawn chair
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
