I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my being single is dangerous.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
