dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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