Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
