I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
