Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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