So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
