the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
