good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
