I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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