i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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