Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
