Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
