I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
