my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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