its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
