I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
