is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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