i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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