i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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