i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
