im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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