Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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