12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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