i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
