she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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