I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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