my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Your penis caused this!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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