but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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