You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
