the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize