Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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