the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
